It is common knowledge within our social circle about our desire to have a child. A few visits to the doctor and other alternative options were made to ensure that we are on the right track however every time the red letter day comes, I always end up disappointed and hurt.
I kept asking myself was I doing anything wrong? What was it in the book that I did not follow and the list of unknown whats and whys would cloud my head until I finally convince myself that I'm exhausted and another try won't hurt.
However, it did hurt.
I keep convincing myself that maybe it was not the right time yet. Maybe it's because we do not have a space that we can call our own and also with our upcoming plan (can't expose that yet but a few trusted friends know what it is), the baby plan might just change it all... then I'd say to myself that change is good and the whole debate (which only runs in my head) will continue until I get tired and decided to drain the debating voices in my head.
Then, I have chanced upon a reading on a Joyce Meyer plan that I have.... and it was about asking Why to God.
It was about asking why to God when in reality we should believe in Him, about his perfect timing.
The reading made me realise a lot of things and that my desire to have a child might not be what God has planned just yet. It did make me question if I am really ready to have another life depend on me. I know I am and I do want to but probably God does not see it yet.
Now, the feeling does not hurt that much anymore....seeing couples enjoying their own bundles of joy. It is wonderful to see and hear about it.
I pray that when the time comes (which is I hope is not that far) God sees me ready, I will be able to provide my child or children my undivided attention and shower them with love like what my parents have done to me and maybe more.
For now, I will (and I say this with an open and trying heart) enjoy seeing a mother's expressions when she carries another life in their womb.
Mark 9:24
Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief"
